I thought about writing this one for a long time, because it’s such a massive aspect of a cancer families journey. The way people you thought would be there for the long haul end up tapping out. How friends and family can become insensitive to your situation because it’s “too much”, like we don’t live it everyday…
I would love to say that I plan to be mindful of who reads this and who it might offend, but I’m actually really not. I’m of the opinion that if the shoe fits, then wear it proudly… because I do.
I spoke to a friend the other day and told her that there’s a lot of people in our life that have an expiration date, and that has never been more obvious than since we started this journey.
Tensions run high when you’re supporting your child through treatment for cancer. You’re bitter and angry and resentful at the entire world because there is no possible explanation in your mind as to how this could be happening. You feel like you’re alone, and like you’re the only one going through it, but you’re not.
Inadvertently it puts strain on so many people, siblings, aunties, uncles, grandparents, friends. People whose children go to school with yours start to get seeds of doubt about how this could be happening, strangers with children the same age.. it stirs something up inside people that makes them think “that could have been me”.
When cancer hits close to home, it’s a bit of a WTF moment, because you never consider it’s going to be your child, or your friend’s child, or your niece… But ultimately, and I say this wholeheartedly, I actually didn’t care about anyone else’s feelings.
In my mind, there wasn’t one person in the world, whose feelings rivalled mine. That was my baby. I carried her, nursed her, watched her grow up, and got given that devastating news all by myself. I had to nurse her through sickness, by myself, and watch her die. Nobody had any right to feel as angry, or hurt as I did, and I’ll stand by that to my dying day.
Even the closest of relationships are pushed to their limits when it comes down to it, because people deal with things differently. We struggled badly towards the end I’m not ashamed to say it life together was tainted with stress and even though we got through it, it didn’t always look like we would.
What I didn’t consider when we lost Aurora was that people would put their own feelings, grief and sadness before my own. That I’d have to find myself in a pissing contest with other people about who loved her most, or about my decisions to only allow her parents and siblings to be with her when she died. I didn’t think I’d be made to feel guilty when all I did for a year was to try and save my baby, didn’t think that people would tell me that I “didn’t make them feel welcome” a week after my baby died and they turned up at my house. I wanted the world to burn, I didn’t want to be here, what was I supposed to say? “Please bear with me whilst I fetch you a cup of tea when you know exactly where the kettle is and I’m simultaneously trying not to break down in tears again in front of my children…. I’ll get right on that”
I didn’t expect people to completely cut us out of their life when we lost Aurora, but I also didn’t expect for my partner to be told that he needs to learn to stand on his own to feet when he was single handedly raising two children with additional needs and simultaneously supporting his family from a distance…. in what parallel universe is what we went through normal?
I for one couldn’t be prouder of how Ethan handled our entire year because I couldn’t have done it without him. My 2 babies are still here because he kept them safe, my little girl was surrounded by love because he was by her side, and I keep going every single day because he keeps me grounded. How anyone could do anything but admire that man is beyond me. But apparently when children of our generation outdo their parents, their ego gets bruised.
I’ve found that people really want to be involved when it paints them in the best light, but shy away when it doesn’t, and that people who I thought had our best interests at heart, continue to be narcissistic and self-centred wastes of space.
I spoke on my last post about bragging rights and how people feel like they’re entitled to share information because they knew me, or Aurora once upon a time, and you’ll find it’s a common trend. Anyone who had anything to do with us at one point was suddenly part of our journey, and for the most part that was fine, except for when the gossip started when we lost her.
I got accused of not informing her dad that she’d passed away, and painted out to be an awful human because my friends had visited her to say goodbyes and he hadn’t, which was never the case. Whatever differences we had, he was and always will be her dad and she adored him, as he did her.
But people feel like because I shared so much, they knew everything. Maybe I overshared, and gave people too much ammo to use against me.. but writing kept me sane when I thought I’d lose my mind and it’s not something I want to regret.
On Aurora’s anniversary, I was greeted with people at my doorstep who I hadn’t spoken to in almost a year… on the one day I allowed myself to just be sad that my whole world had really come crashing down, that everything was real, I was left feeling angry, because you don’t get to swan in like nothings happened. People left when we needed them the most, and we’ve made peace with that.
I always hear people making excuses for people’s shit behaviour like “oh, that’s just what they’re like”…. Yeah, but I don’t have to tolerate it. Be like that all you want, but that’s not the kind of person I want in my life.
We have cut so many people off since we started our journey, both family and friends, because it’s hard to maintain a relationship when you feel like you’re being judged for things people have no idea about. It was a hard thing for me to let go of the guilt I felt about not getting Aurora seen quicker, about not showing up for my kids when they needed me, about not being able to pull myself and my family through grief… Only made harder when I was being judged for it.
I always say that people don’t have an issue with honesty, they have an issue with the truth, and that’s why they don’t ask. I’d never go out of my way to make someone upset, but if you asked why I act the way I do I would 1 million per cent tell you.
I’m not angry about it any more though, and I was for so long. I feel like people come in to your life as a lesson or a blessing but it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt that my children not only lost their sister, but grandparents too. It hurt that we lost friends, parents and family because people become bitter about death and that when all is said and done, our grief was too much for other people to bear. I accepted the fact that I can’t accept how my daughter is gone when she was perfect, and I’ve grown up my whole life with people who are less than..
But people are always going to judge us, for better or worse, and that’s not something I can change.
I got judged for being too sad, and depressed..
I get judged for trying to be happy…
But ultimately, I don’t care anymore, because nobody has or will ever walk in my shoes, and I wouldn’t want them to either. I get up every single day and go above and beyond to make sure my babies know that they are loved and admired and cherished, and as long as they’re happy, healthy and safe, I’m gonna keep on.
Growing Pains and Paper Planes 